• Pregnancy,  Writing

    Crying in the Bathroom

    I originally wrote this a year ago, recounting an experience I had the year previous. It was brought to mind today as I thought through the grief surrounding infertility and how it strikes at different times and in different ways. I’ve since added to the original post. With all things, I hope this is encouraging.  I know my pain is grief, I grieve the loss of what I expected, And accept that I’m not on the trajectory of what is accepted and supposed to be Some days are painful, Reminders, Laughter turns to tears, Other days are painless, Reminders, Laughter turns to tears, And I’m left sitting in the present…

  • Faith,  Writing

    How’d it go?

    Just yesterday I had someone ask me how the trip to New York went and it took me off guard. When we returned from New York, I got really sick. It was the kind of sick where I didn’t want to move or eat or drink. My mind was consumed with getting better and back to work, but I was left sitting on the couch watching the Great British Baking Show for longer than I know or would like to admit. So when I was asked how New York was, I realized I haven’t really spoken of it that much since we returned. There has been the occasional, “yeah, it…

  • Gardening

    Garden 2.0

    My first year planting a garden I had a lot of carrots and it was very amusing. I didn’t thin enough when the seedlings emerged which resulted in carrots that looked more like living creatures rather than vegetables. Last year, I wrote about my excitement with starting a garden and of my anticipation to plant. In the time in between that post and now, there was reality. And the reality is there were some successes, and there were some failures. Some of the plants I was most excited were going to be harvested and made into various types of kimchi later in the fall. But the cabbage was destroyed by…

  • Writing

    the “i” word

    Do you ever have those moments when you know you’re willfully resisting something, even if it doesn’t make sense? It took me a long, long time to use the word infertile when discussing our struggles to start a family. I intentionally refused to utter the word when talking about our story with people and I still don’t like using it. It rolls off of the tongue as good as fragrant trash becomes potpourri. Did you know that women are “infertile” after trying to have children for 12 months? So, chances are you know someone who fits under that definition. A friend recommended I read a book which followed a woman’s journey to…

  • Faith

    brokenness over bitterness

    I decided to start writing again in order to help myself process our struggle with infertility. Early on, it wasn’t so much a decision as a compulsion as I noticed that when I faced difficult times I found myself turning to a pen or my phone’s notes in order to write my thoughts down. The results were usually disjointed fragments of my inner turmoil, but the act provided a space where I tried to make sense of it all. I’ve since found that the instinctual writing has become a way for me to process the fog. I love processing through writing, but the processing doesn’t stop after I put down…

  • Faith,  Uncategorized

    Rain

    I recently returned home to Nebraska after a few weeks away for a singing gig and the weather greeted me with rain. Lots and lots of rain. My drive back mainly consisted of farmland and I think that’s why when it rained for so long, I thought of Matthew 5:45, where Jesus says: …For He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. (ESV) Sometimes, there is a lie that creeps into my mind and I don’t realize it influences my thoughts until I speak it out loud. This happened recently when I was talking with a…

  • Family,  Pregnancy

    Acronyms

    I think the first time I really experienced all-things acronyms was in college, which is probably true for many people. I remember wondering what the SDR was and what people did when they had a DTR with another person. But, pretty soon, these and other acronyms were part of daily life. With each stage of life, different slang, acronyms, and lingo naturally emerge. But I’ve sometimes wondered if we also use acronyms as a way to distance ourselves from emotion. This thought came to mind recently after I stumbled across another post that included an acronym I’ve encountered countless times over the last couple of years. Honestly, I had no…