• Faith

    Waiting Well

    The arrival of Christmas marks the end of the Advent season: the season which reminds the Christian that just as people waited for the Messiah to appear, we are still waiting for our Messiah to return. Waiting isn’t easy. When results don’t happen in a timely manner, exposed self-righteousness results in toddler-tantrums declaring life isn’t fair. But to simply complain or “stick it out” during the waiting misses the point. Waiting provides an uncomfortable space to contemplate the true reason for the waiting. My story of infertility isn’t only a story of waiting for a child to come. God is using the experience to shape me into what He desires.…

  • Writing

    the “i” word

    Do you ever have those moments when you know you’re willfully resisting something, even if it doesn’t make sense? It took me a long, long time to use the word infertile when discussing our struggles to start a family. I intentionally refused to utter the word when talking about our story with people and I still don’t like using it. It rolls off of the tongue as good as fragrant trash becomes potpourri. Did you know that women are “infertile” after trying to have children for 12 months? So, chances are you know someone who fits under that definition. A friend recommended I read a book which followed a woman’s journey to…

  • Uncategorized

    fireflies in summertime

    When we lived in the Chicago area, I looked forward to the emergence of fireflies. Each summer it reminded me of my childhood summers in Nebraska. I love fireflies. I love walking around on summer nights with the flickering of light appearing around me. They are enchanting. Spending time outside is something we enjoy. When we moved to Nebraska last year, we realized that Lincoln has great biking trails and we have enjoyed exploring several trails in our area. When we found out that movie theaters in Nebraska cost a fraction of the price in Chicago, we naturally decided biking to a movie would make a great date! So we went,…

  • Faith

    brokenness over bitterness

    I decided to start writing again in order to help myself process our struggle with infertility. Early on, it wasn’t so much a decision as a compulsion as I noticed that when I faced difficult times I found myself turning to a pen or my phone’s notes in order to write my thoughts down. The results were usually disjointed fragments of my inner turmoil, but the act provided a space where I tried to make sense of it all. I’ve since found that the instinctual writing has become a way for me to process the fog. I love processing through writing, but the processing doesn’t stop after I put down…

  • Faith,  Uncategorized

    Rain

    I recently returned home to Nebraska after a few weeks away for a singing gig and the weather greeted me with rain. Lots and lots of rain. My drive back mainly consisted of farmland and I think that’s why when it rained for so long, I thought of Matthew 5:45, where Jesus says: …For He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. (ESV) Sometimes, there is a lie that creeps into my mind and I don’t realize it influences my thoughts until I speak it out loud. This happened recently when I was talking with a…

  • Faith,  Writing

    Wisdom Teeth and Pregnancy Tests

    That time I could tell you what I have to make an appointment to confirm, Just in order for you to yank these useless teeth from my jaw, It is negative, Always has been, May it not always be. Earlier this year, I had the joy of getting my wisdom teeth removed. For years, dentists have mentioned I may or may not need them removed but we “wouldn’t know until the next x-ray.” Well, late last December I was told they needed to be removed within the next year, so I set up an appointment with an oral surgeon down the road (literally) and anxiously awaited their departure. As I’ve…

  • Faith,  Writing

    Dawn

    I grew up in eastern Nebraska, but was born out west in Washington. Each summer, my parents always made a point to travel back to Washington to visit our extended relatives, which meant long drives during summer break. We still make the journey out. Though life has made it difficult to go every year, my parents make the trip at least once, driving from eastern Nebraska through Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho, finally arriving in eastern Washington. Growing up, I remember my parents pointing out the landscape in each state we drove through as I sat in the back. We’d discuss the shades of green in the trees, the layers…

  • Faith

    Faithful

    When recalling our experiences over the last few years, I often mention how evidently I have seen and experienced God’s faithfulness to us. I haven’t always been able to form the thought into a cohesive sentence, but I will try to explain through my experiences. A couple of years ago, early on in our realization that our desire to start a family wouldn’t immediately be fulfilled, I was confused why we were okay. I’m sure this sounds strange, but it came from a time of observing others. I had seen, experienced, and read of families who’s lives were torn apart because they were unable to get pregnant. And here I was, sitting…