• Uncategorized

    Welcoming 2018

    I don’t know about you, but this fall has been a whirlwind of life. I’ve found that in these busy moments, I hone in on what I value most and hope to accomplish with the time I possess. And this fall revealed and reaffirmed that reality. This process with infertility has, at times, shaken my core, my identity. Not because infertility has actually succeeded in shoving out a previously-defined personhood and replacing it with itself, but because of the very fact it has tried defining the entirety of my life in one word. At times, I’ve succumbed to the title and have spoken about this journey with the ease titles…

  • Faith

    Waiting Well

    The arrival of Christmas marks the end of the Advent season: the season which reminds the Christian that just as people waited for the Messiah to appear, we are still waiting for our Messiah to return. Waiting isn’t easy. When results don’t happen in a timely manner, exposed self-righteousness results in toddler-tantrums declaring life isn’t fair. But to simply complain or “stick it out” during the waiting misses the point. Waiting provides an uncomfortable space to contemplate the true reason for the waiting. My story of infertility isn’t only a story of waiting for a child to come. God is using the experience to shape me into what He desires.…

  • Uncategorized

    Thanksgiving

    I stood in our kitchen this morning and scrolled through social media posts of people preparing Thanksgiving Day meals as Daniel worked at our dining room table. All at once, I was overcome with immense gratitude for this season of life. It’s full of enriching friendships and fulfilling work—both blessings we don’t deserve but have received. For Daniel, it’s working as a Worship Pastor. Every week, he teaches congregants and team members truths of the Gospel through music. Every week, he meditates on the attributes of God through music. For me, it’s serving the church body. Every week, I get to meet with college-aged adults and learn more about who…

  • Uncategorized

    Three

    I wrote this before the month of our third anniversary trying to have children. I wrote almost as an act of protecting myself in fear that the date would be too difficult to process. But God, in His sovereignty, surrounded us with community and filled our sorrows with joy. It wasn’t in a grand gesture, but was in coffee dates and swim dates, in gardening and painting. He met and provided through the people He placed in our lives. Often when explaining to people that we’ve been trying to have kids for a while, I get a response of how hard it must be. But, something happens when I share…

  • Writing

    the “i” word

    Do you ever have those moments when you know you’re willfully resisting something, even if it doesn’t make sense? It took me a long, long time to use the word infertile when discussing our struggles to start a family. I intentionally refused to utter the word when talking about our story with people and I still don’t like using it. It rolls off of the tongue as good as fragrant trash becomes potpourri. Did you know that women are “infertile” after trying to have children for 12 months? So, chances are you know someone who fits under that definition. A friend recommended I read a book which followed a woman’s journey to…

  • Uncategorized

    fireflies in summertime

    When we lived in the Chicago area, I looked forward to the emergence of fireflies. Each summer it reminded me of my childhood summers in Nebraska. I love fireflies. I love walking around on summer nights with the flickering of light appearing around me. They are enchanting. Spending time outside is something we enjoy. When we moved to Nebraska last year, we realized that Lincoln has great biking trails and we have enjoyed exploring several trails in our area. When we found out that movie theaters in Nebraska cost a fraction of the price in Chicago, we naturally decided biking to a movie would make a great date! So we went,…

  • Family,  Pregnancy

    We spoke of the past

    |For DP: Five years, I love you| We spoke of the past this morning, Our former selves, Reminiscing the first thoughts of what was to come in this life together, We have outgrown what we expected, Have experienced what we didn’t expect, Expected what we didn’t experience, We laughed at the idea of love, Spoken gently, yelled fervently, Not knowing the power the word held in action, Let alone in stillness, We have outgrown the ideas we held it to be, Holding new ideas openly, We mourned the sins of our youth, Those of our former selves, Those we still hold onto, We still hurt and are hurt, but are…

  • Faith

    brokenness over bitterness

    I decided to start writing again in order to help myself process our struggle with infertility. Early on, it wasn’t so much a decision as a compulsion as I noticed that when I faced difficult times I found myself turning to a pen or my phone’s notes in order to write my thoughts down. The results were usually disjointed fragments of my inner turmoil, but the act provided a space where I tried to make sense of it all. I’ve since found that the instinctual writing has become a way for me to process the fog. I love processing through writing, but the processing doesn’t stop after I put down…