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When we lived in the Chicago area, I looked forward to the emergence of fireflies. Each summer it reminded me of my childhood summers in Nebraska.

I love fireflies.

I love walking around on summer nights with the flickering of light appearing around me. They are enchanting.


Spending time outside is something we enjoy. When we moved to Nebraska last year, we realized that Lincoln has great biking trails and we have enjoyed exploring several trails in our area. When we found out that movie theaters in Nebraska cost a fraction of the price in Chicago, we naturally decided biking to a movie would make a great date!

So we went, got our tickets, found our seats, and sat down for the previews.

I don’t know about others, but I enjoy watching previews. It’s fun to see the creativity in the advertisements aimed at moviegoers. Part of this probably stems from our love of the podcast, Under the Influence. Each week, the podcast explores the world of marketing and advertisement. Daniel and I stumbled upon it while listening to WBEZ one Saturday morning. The podcast has given me an appreciation for the imagination it takes to bring an ad to life.

As we sat in our seats, I expected to enjoy the previews for upcoming movies and products, but what I didn’t expect was to cry.

It wasn’t a particularly emotional ad and I can’t remember what it was promoting. But I remember seeing an Asian boy by a pond, holding a glass jar full of fireflies, enjoying the summer.

That’s when I lost it.

In that moment, I desired more than anything to share the joy of fireflies in summertime with our child. And I cried because I don’t know if I ever will.

This experience of infertility is difficult and strange. Some days it’s all consuming. Other days, it just lurks in the background. And still other days, it barely crosses my mind.

I have hope, yes.
I have joy, yes.
But some days my heart hurts a little more than others.

And I’m learning that it’s okay to hurt. God meets me in that pain.