• Pregnancy,  Writing

    Crying in the Bathroom

    I originally wrote this a year ago, recounting an experience I had the year previous. It was brought to mind today as I thought through the grief surrounding infertility and how it strikes at different times and in different ways. I’ve since added to the original post. With all things, I hope this is encouraging.  I know my pain is grief, I grieve the loss of what I expected, And accept that I’m not on the trajectory of what is accepted and supposed to be Some days are painful, Reminders, Laughter turns to tears, Other days are painless, Reminders, Laughter turns to tears, And I’m left sitting in the present…

  • Faith,  Writing

    Lessons from the Waiting Room of Infertility

    This post was originally published on TrueWoman.com and you can find it here: Lessons from the Waiting Room of Infertility My husband and I have been trying to have children for the last four years. While the experience of infertility has taken us both on a journey neither of us wanted to travel, the experience continues to teach and refine our faith. Through these last four years, I have learned several valuable lessons in my walk with the Lord. Five Encouragements for ThoseStruggling with Infertility 1. Seek out community. Early on in our time of trying to have children, neither of us opened up to our local church community about…

  • Faith,  Writing

    How’d it go?

    Just yesterday I had someone ask me how the trip to New York went and it took me off guard. When we returned from New York, I got really sick. It was the kind of sick where I didn’t want to move or eat or drink. My mind was consumed with getting better and back to work, but I was left sitting on the couch watching the Great British Baking Show for longer than I know or would like to admit. So when I was asked how New York was, I realized I haven’t really spoken of it that much since we returned. There has been the occasional, “yeah, it…

  • Faith,  Writing

    This Mother’s Day

    I’ve had mixed feelings about Mother’s Day, and I’ve definitely had mixed feelings about writing about Mother’s Day.  So, I guess this post is four Mother’s Days in waiting and I’m left asking, “do I really have anything to add?” I remember an undergraduate professor reposting a poem she stumbled across while struggling through growing her family. It was one of the first times I read another’s words about infertility and could relate so deeply. By this time, I had written brief thoughts down on my frustrations with not yet having a child. Some were scratched out on paper, others were typed into my phone. But they all had a…

  • Faith,  Writing

    Songs I Sing in Waiting

    Since moving to Nebraska, I’ve tried piecing together how my background in music, my experience with infertility, and my life of faith could possibly be intertwined for redemptive value. As I’ve touched on before, when my mind has felt overwhelmed with anxiety surrounding infertility, when I’ve had hope feel completely shattered, or when I’m trying to understand the rhythmic changes of life, I turn to writing. What I haven’t mentioned before is that my confidence in writing is very low and has been since growing up. I remember taking a class in high school where I had to write a paper on a narrative or descriptive essay. Although I don’t…

  • Food,  Writing

    불고기

    I have drafts upon drafts upon drafts of writings in the cloud and some will never see the light of day-but when I stumbled upon this one, it made me chuckle. So, I thought I’d share it with you on my husband’s birthday, because, you know, bulgogi (불고기). 04/03/2017 I dreamt of Korean food last night, I dreamt of kimchi and pickles and meat, Served by a headless man with a camera to replace, There was no bulgogi, Yet, that was the name of the restaurant, Where signs painted on the windows to block the outside, But we could see in and asked for it to be opened, Cameraman obliged…

  • Faith,  Writing

    Dreams

    It’s important to look forward with hopeful anticipation while remaining faithful with what has been given now. Since moving to Nebraska, I’ve had several moments of wondering “why?” I tell the story of our move to friends because there have been moments where it is clear we are supposed to be here right now. And in difficult times, we’ve had to look back on those gifts of moments to remind ourselves that it is clear we are supposed to be here right now. But there have also been moments I’ve wondered why we’re here. Early on, I struggled with the idea of what I could do with my music and…

  • Writing

    the “i” word

    Do you ever have those moments when you know you’re willfully resisting something, even if it doesn’t make sense? It took me a long, long time to use the word infertile when discussing our struggles to start a family. I intentionally refused to utter the word when talking about our story with people and I still don’t like using it. It rolls off of the tongue as good as fragrant trash becomes potpourri. Did you know that women are “infertile” after trying to have children for 12 months? So, chances are you know someone who fits under that definition. A friend recommended I read a book which followed a woman’s journey to…