• Pregnancy

    Pregnancy

    The voice of doubtand feardoesn’t leave with the arrival ofthe awaitedBut morphs into a new costume,with the same actorplaying the same role–Disguised as a different tongue,Casting doubt where there is truthand fear where there is joy,Stealing both–replacing with liesBut why?Steps forward,memories to comeA pull at my leg gives pause–I wait for the fate that isn’t promised,But was whispered the same,What if the joy comes and then more pain,Can I allow myself to feeland not be let down again, What is the truth I can cling to–Statistics or numbers or experiences, Or maybe a retelling of the storyI need to hear once moreOf the good and stable and reliable,Of the wealth…

  • Pregnancy,  Writing

    Crying in the Bathroom

    I originally wrote this a year ago, recounting an experience I had the year previous. It was brought to mind today as I thought through the grief surrounding infertility and how it strikes at different times and in different ways. I’ve since added to the original post. With all things, I hope this is encouraging.  I know my pain is grief, I grieve the loss of what I expected, And accept that I’m not on the trajectory of what is accepted and supposed to be Some days are painful, Reminders, Laughter turns to tears, Other days are painless, Reminders, Laughter turns to tears, And I’m left sitting in the present…

  • Faith,  Pregnancy,  Uncategorized

    Hope in Hannah’s Infertility

    This post first appeared on True Woman, a blog of Revive Our Hearts. You can find the original post here: True Hope in Hannah’s Infertility The first time I studied the story of Hannah, I was an undergraduate student at Moody Bible Institute taking a class titled, “Biblical Theology of 1 Samuel.” In the last four and a half years of walking through infertility, I’ve seen more and more how this class transformed my faith. The Lord has often reminded me of the story of Hannah, Samuel’s mother, as a source of hope and encouragement in the deepest times of despair. A Dark Time We first find mention of Hannah in 1 Samuel 1. The…

  • Faith,  Pregnancy

    Unexpected Grief

    The Call I was surprised at the tone in my voice when I answered the doctors office calling to explain the test results weren’t what we had hoped. Chipper and hopeful, I pressed on as the nurse explained the doctor wanted to up the dosage of medication for the next cycle to see if my body would finally respond. I asked a couple of questions and hung up, still hopeful. A plan—I was grateful, am grateful, for a plan. It is something to expect and anticipate. With music on in the living room and freshly scrubbed roasting pans, I walked to the laundry room to check the next load. Unexpectedly,…

  • Family,  Pregnancy

    We spoke of the past

    |For DP: Five years, I love you| We spoke of the past this morning, Our former selves, Reminiscing the first thoughts of what was to come in this life together, We have outgrown what we expected, Have experienced what we didn’t expect, Expected what we didn’t experience, We laughed at the idea of love, Spoken gently, yelled fervently, Not knowing the power the word held in action, Let alone in stillness, We have outgrown the ideas we held it to be, Holding new ideas openly, We mourned the sins of our youth, Those of our former selves, Those we still hold onto, We still hurt and are hurt, but are…

  • Family,  Pregnancy

    Acronyms

    I think the first time I really experienced all-things acronyms was in college, which is probably true for many people. I remember wondering what the SDR was and what people did when they had a DTR with another person. But, pretty soon, these and other acronyms were part of daily life. With each stage of life, different slang, acronyms, and lingo naturally emerge. But I’ve sometimes wondered if we also use acronyms as a way to distance ourselves from emotion. This thought came to mind recently after I stumbled across another post that included an acronym I’ve encountered countless times over the last couple of years. Honestly, I had no…